I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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