You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
