i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
