You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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