be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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