I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
