Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
