I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
