Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
