allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
