Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have fence marks all over my body
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
