I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
