My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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