I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
