I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
