hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My breasts were aching with rage.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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