I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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