Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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