even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
