i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
