So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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