so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize