if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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