you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
