this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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