If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
