I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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