I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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