I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
