so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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