I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
