I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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