I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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