whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
