I just cut my nipple shaving
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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