I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I cut my penus on the lid.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
