girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
