Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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