whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
