I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
