Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
