I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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