My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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