we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
