I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
In other news, I just burned my penis
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
