You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
