Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
