She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Vodka?
Forever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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