Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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