the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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