I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
