I looked at my own cervix.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
