I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
