I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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