Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
