My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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