3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
