I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
